Contemplating Times
by HAnu the TeApOt
Summary: Hiroki's fortieth birthday has him pondering on life.


Contemplating times

_Warning: suffocating amount of fluff and an insecure Hiroki. Also slight unnoticed grammatical errors that might peeve some people off._

_A/N: This is a verylate and overdue Birthday fic in honor of the ever so great and benevolent Don-v. I'm awfully ashamed about it but she really is one of the nicest people I know and being the sweet heart that she is let me off. She has been a supportive rock for partially everything. Hope you like this you don!_

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><p>Hiroki feeling rebellious added a fourth spoon of sugar to his tea and steered tiredly rubbing his eyes with his other hand. Hearing the sounds of shuffling feat alerted him that Nowaki had woken up and with a ruffled smile opened the cupboard for another cup.<p>

"Morning." he turned around to hand Nowaki his tea.

"Mhmm." Nowaki covering his mouth when he yawned and then gave Hiroki a brief kiss on the check making Hiroki want to roll his eyes from Nowaki's stubborn insistent that he receive a goodbye kiss every morning.

"Night shift tonight?" he asked absently, opening up his briefcase on the table and arranging his papers.

"Yeah, I'll see you were out of milk." Nowaki sighed closing the fridge.

"Hmm, I'll go shopping for groceries later. But for now," he closed his briefcase with a snap, "I'm late."

"Bye Hiro-san." he called leaning on the counter sipping his tea.

"Bye."

"Hiro-san!" Nowaki whined in an annoying puerile voice that he had blatantly picked up from a two year old patient.

"Yes Nowaki." Hiroki asked in a long suffering tone, hand rested on the doorframe from where he had stopped to turn around and look at Nowaki with a bored expression.

"Haven't you forgotten something?" Nowaki asked raising an eyebrow and nipping at his bottom lip.

Hiroki rolled his eyes and in two long strides came over to Nowaki slipped a hand around his neck before tugging it down for their lips to smack together.

"Happy?" he asked when they parted.

"Very much so darling." he grinned widely.

Hiroki almost smiled at that before he gave him a dismissive wave and left to work.

It really did, Hiroki thought as he sat on the train; take such little things to make Nowaki happy. He appreciated life to its fullest and every little thing, no matter how insignificant, brought a smile to his face while others would take it for granted. he really was a passionate force of nature on his own and Hiroki felt proud-if not a little disbelieving-to be the one that brought such a wide smile to Nowaki's face. He was lucky to have someone that still appreciated him despite how long they had been together.

In the beginning of their relationship he was thrown away by Nowaki's show of passion and care that it almost knocked him of his feet and left him clueless. He wasn't used to being shown that amount of love and attention from the many years he had spent pining over Akihiko and in return: being ignored , his feelings hurt and bruised and not believing that anyone would want him. It had surprised him to find someone had when Nowaki came along. Hiroki's had kept a stiff and board back through there shaky beginning believing Nowaki's intentions were that of childish affection that would soon run its course.

Hiroki didn't know where this wave of nostalgia came from all of a sudden and he gripped his briefcase a little tighter frowning as the train shook and the underground lights flashed by him.

After his meeting had ended with the board of govern Hiroki took a tired sigh before fitting his briefcase with forms and assignments and different illustrations. Thank god it was Friday.

His day on the whole wasn't so great. He was tired and had an awful headache and was positive that the vast majority of the first year university students had skipped his tutorial speech that day; he even saw some of them scurrying away for escape.

Just wait tell Monday...

He pushed his way past the crowed of people coming out of the train and made his way to a nearby supermarket where he loaded his carte with groceries and other appliances that he usually needed with him and cared the contents with him to the check out.

He wasn't as impatient as he usually was because there wasn't much for him to look forward to except an empty home and papers to be filled so he patiently waited for the long queue to end.

As the check out lady scanned the items and the beeps of the machine racked his already aching head Hiroki filled plastic shopping bags with his items. The beeps were almost as annoying as the sound of his student's clueless tones.

something caught his eyes as was debating wither there was space enough for the milk carton in the already mostly filled bag and he stopped to stare at his reflection before him on the illuminated surface of where the check out lady was tossing his items.

He had a gray hair, five gray hairs on his temples to be in fact that he was sure wasn't there the previous day. Or maybe it was there and he hadn't noticed._ Gray hair._ Could gray hair simply appear over night? Surely it didn't appear over night. Hiroki felt a little pang at his chest.

After stuffing his receipt in his pocket he lifted his groceries in his hands and gripped one on the crook of his elbow, letting his wrist bend and awkwardly tucked his briefcase in his armpit. Luckily their home was only a few blocks away and he had arrived within a few minutes. He gratefully dumped the excess bags on the kitchen table before he stride back to the living room to look at the mirror on the wall beside the backyard door.

His hair was the same as he'd last saw it. Brown and brushed back. It had receded over the years and Hiroki worried that he'd start to bald. His father had started too bald in his mid forties, Hiroki was turning forty tomorrow.

He was turning grey and he couldn't comprehend it.

Hiroki wondered where all the years had passed. He didn't even notice. Life had passed him by.

Hiroki woke up to a feel of warm and fuzzy arousal with Nowak's body pressed against his and his mouth playing special attention to his neck.

"What are you doing you goon?" Hiroki arched his neck a little inadvertently and opened his eyes to the sight of Nowaki.

"Saying good morning." he replied serving Hiroki to a blinding grin before tickling his sides making Hiroki stiff a giggle.

"Stop it!" Hiroki yelled punching Nowaki on the shoulder still trying to keep his laughter at bay, "you know I hate that."

"Forcing you to laugh?"

"Yes forcing me to laugh." he furrowed his eyebrows and frowned.

Nowaki sighed in a very _what do I do with you _way. "Well I made you some tea." he moved to sit back on the bed with his back to the headboard and handed Hiroki the cup of tea on the bedside table.

"Thank you. You shouldn't have really I would have made it myself." he grunted sleepily sitting up to take the tea, sniffing its hot heat.

"Well, it is your birthday. The big four-oh and everything!" he pecked Hiroki on the lip before shuffling a little to get under the covers.

"Ah! Don't remind me. I almost forgot."

"Sorry Hiro-san." he yawned and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I made you breakfast. It's on the table."

After taking a few sips of his tea he put it down and wiggled about till he was lying beside Nowaki and rapped an arm around his waist as a silent thank you. "Long night?" he asked.

"You could say that." Nowaki let out another yawn. "I'll sleep now, later will celebrate for real."

"Promise, promise."

"Good morning Hiro-san." he murmured closing his eyes.

"Good morning." he replied waiting to hear Nowaki's silent snores before sliding of the bed to reheat his breakfast.

It wasn't till much later that Hiroki was interrupted from his work by the phone ringing. He sighed wearily before standing up vowing that if it was another telecom add he'd slammed the phone down and unplug the cord.

The voice on the other end was far worse than any advert.

"Hello Hiroki." His childhood crush greeted him.

"Can I help you?" he asked tiredly.

"Can't a friend wish another friend a happy birthday?" Akihiko asked absently, Hiroki could practically hear him lightening his cigarette.

"Not when the so called friend has unmistakable intentions to make the said birthday not as happy as he so claims to wish it to be."

"You know me to well Hiroki. Are you planning anything for the day?"

"Nothing in particular." he regretted the words as soon as he left his mouth.

"Good, good. I'll pick you two up at eight. We're going karaoke."

"Why?" he yelled then cringed when he remembered Nowaki was asleep. "Why?" he added more quietly.

"I'm an old, rich, gay man with too much time on his hand, don't take it personal."

"No Akihiko, no we are not going anywhere. I would never conduct in such ridicule-" he stopped talking when he heard a yell from the unmistakable sound of Akihiko editor screaming murder about some manuscript or another. The last editor he had had passed out from stress and an emotional malfunction, he doubted this one would last any longer.

Instead of flaring his temper up a notch, he unplugged the phone from its cord before placing the receiver down.

Good to know some things never change.

As he sat back down, picked up the pen he had dropped and picked his ear. He wondered if Nowaki noticed the grey hairs on his head and wither he found it unattractive.

Hiroki didn't like to make a big event out of his birthday, as most people were well aware off, so when Nowaki woke up around twelve that day and suggested they go out for lunch in the park, a picnic of sort he said, Hiroki agreed because having lunch at the park wasn't as a big ordeal as having lunch at a restaurant.

They lay on a blanket Hiroki had placed down on a shaded area under a tree and stared at the blue cloudless sky in comfortable silence. Hiroki suddenly remembered that this was the park that he had first meet Nowaki at. He only vaguely recalled the event that had taken place; it had been so long ago. He wondered if the same thing was running through Nowaki's mind, he also wondered wither his forgetfulness with a symptom of ageing.

Hiroki sat up and started biting into one of the sandwiches Nowaki had made. Nowaki was always the better one when it came to making food.

"I'm thirsty." Nowaki declared sitting up all of a sudden, "And feeling the urge for apple juice. There's a shop nearby, you want some?"

Hiroki, who had his mouth full of tuna sandwich, nodded and gestured with a finger for Nowaki to waited before he answered. "Yes. But make it orange; apple juice makes me feel sick."

"Sure thing birthday boy."

Hiroki scolded at him with a scrunch but Nowaki grinned at him, gave his hand a brief squeeze before standing up.

Hiroki hoped Nowaki wouldn't bring him those juices from a mini cartoons, he hated those. They were fair less concentrated. He much briefed those ones in a bottle .Then he wondered if this was a something forty year old men did for their birthdays, somehow he doubted it but couldn't bring himself to care. The whole point was to ignore this day after all.

Only after Hiroki finished his sandwich and successfully herded away a group of ants attempting to terrorize there picnic, did he spot Nowaki walking towards him with a plastic bag swinging in his grip.

He watched as Nowaki turned around and a man, who Hiroki presumed called out his name, came towards him. Hiroki did not recognize the man but Nowaki obviously did, if from the way he was shaking his hand and smiling was any constellation. Hiroki supposed he was a father of a patient.

The unknown man waved a gesturing hand to a woman holding a child on her hips standing a few feet behind him. when the child reached out his arms to Nowaki, the way Nowaki's smile softened did not go unnoticed to Hiroki .Nowaki laughed and picked up the child lifting him high in the air then done again with an air of contentment and silent laughter.

For probably the first time in his life Hiroki wondered if Nowaki wanted children and wither it was too late to have them. But Nowaki had never mentioned it before, he was sure of it.

Hiroki put down the apple he was about to bite into and the smile he had on from watching Nowaki playing with the child sagged. He remembered what Nowaki's current line of work was and what it had been for as long as he could remember: a pediatrician. With children that adored him and he in return adored to an extent that it brought the kind of smile on his face that he rarely ever saw. He remembered how excited Nowaki had been when he first started his profession and how excited he still got every time a patient's health comes out well. Nowaki had for all these years still been visiting his orphanage regularly and the kids there thought of him greatly. His dream was to someday own an orphanage in fact.

Hiroki didn't know how he had overlooked this, over looked the fact that Nowaki loved children, loved caring for them. He was a child at heart himself. How could he think Nowaki _didn't _want them?

Suddenly feeling very sick he put his apple down and let it roll to the ground. He ran his hand though his hair and by doing so remembered the grey hairs there. He rapped his arm around his knees and rested his head on it breathing deeply. He couldn't understand what was going on with him and he really did not know how to deal with it.

Suddenly the sun light was blocked from him and he looked up to see Nowaki standing before him. Nowaki, at thirty six, still had his youthful appearance, tall and slim. With the only noticeable ageing being the lines near his mouth and forehead. Hiroki scowled too much, he had wrinkles.

"Here you go." Nowaki got his juice from the bag and handed it to him-it was the bottled one- before sitting down knees crossed in front of him.

"Who was those people?" he asked not opening his juice.

"Oh. Little Mitsuo. He was submitted to the hospital almost a year ago. He had kidney problems which resulted in invasive tests and surgeries. He had to be hospitalized for months! Almost didn't think he'd make it through." Nowaki finished of thoughtfully.

"oh." he looked away, "you like children don't you Nowaki?"

"Yes, I suppose I do."

"I see."

"You okay Hiro-san? You don't look well." Nowaki peered at him concerned.

"Yes, of course, of course." he waved offhandedly and opened his bottle of juice.

As Akihiko had said he would, kept his promise of a drunken night of karaoke. granted Hiroki did not remembered most of it as he opted to order a gin as soon as he got there and the rest of the night was a bit of a blur and as he drowned himself in his sorrow .He figured there may or may not have been five , maybe six people at the table. He couldn't remember if Takahiro was there or not or maybe it was his little brother. He talked a lot. That he remembered something about life and he may or may have not sang. He was hoping he didn't.

He remembered walking home with Nowaki much later and he remembered Nowaki helping him settle into bed after he had changed and Nowaki putting his warm hand on his forehead and brushing it though his hair and before Nowaki could step away from him, Hiroki had grabbed him by the sleeves of his shirt and pulled him towards him for a searing kiss. He kissed and touched him the same way he had always done and Nowaki kissed and touched him in return and arched into his every touches and smiled when they moaned and came.

When Hiroki woke up the next day it was of a raging hangover and a silent homicidal urge to hurt someone, swallow a ton of pills then curl up and sleep for the rest of the day. Not necessary in that order.

Grateful that it was Sunday and he'd most likely be able to do some of the listed things, he flicked through the post and stopped when he found a post card from his parents from Malaysia. They were celebrating his father's reluctant retirement by traveling. His father had reached the tender age of sixty and had closed the door to his career.

Hiroki would have reached that stage of his life within twenty years. It seemed so close. Twenty years later and that'll be it. Without his job what did he have left in life to work for, to look forward to? After twenty years where over then what? Could he honestly look back and say he was proud. Could he say he was content?

He was so sucked into his thoughts that he gasped a little when he felt Nowaki's chin on his shoulder and his arms wrapped around his waist.

"Any post?"

"Nothing important. But I got this post card from my parents. They say hello." he turned the card around to show him.

"That's nice." he said reading over the short note. "I can see your dads having fun."

Hiroki snorted at that then sober up when he remembered something. "Nowaki?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want children?"

There was a silence and Nowaki took his arms from his waist and put his hands on Hiroki's shoulders instead. "I don't understand Hiro-san. Do you want children?"

"Don't you answer my question with a question Nowaki." He said sternly, "I don't know if I want them. But I asked if you wanted them."

"I do." Nowaki replied eventually.

It took a second for his ear receptors to send Nowaki's words to his brain and a few second later for his brain to react. He froze. He then swallowed hard. He was not expecting the wave of prostration that hit him or the way he's stomached surged and dropped. The emotion was so sudden that he didn't know what to do with it so he slipped from Nowaki's grasp and went to the bedroom. He wondered why he was so _surprised_.

He got his cloth from the cupboard and tried not to think about the meaning of Nowaki's words.

"Hiro-san?"

He didn't look up at Nowaki who he knew was hovering at the doorway.

"Hiro-san are you alright?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked in what he hoped was a light tone.

"I didn't know you wanted it, I didn't want to upset you."

"Well, you should have." Putting a leg in his trousers.

"It isn't like we can have children of our own Hiro-san. We're both men in case you've forgotten."

He turned around just to glare at him before taking of his jumper, "you know very well there are ways."

"Look I don't mind not having them. I knew that being with you meant that I wouldn't of course and that's alright. You don't like kids."

Hiroki felt a little sick all of a sudden.

"Can you get breakfast ready please." he asked turning away again.

"Hiro-san..?"

"I'm fine." he snapped, then smiled a little just to settle Nowaki's mind. "Now go on and let me get dressed."

Nowaki hesitated for a moment before he smiled a little in return and left to the kitchen.

Hiroki felt sick with himself. Kind Nowaki, sweet, lovely, wonderful Nowaki who wanted children and adored his patients and the children at the orphanage and didn't have any of his own or even asked for it because of _him_. Because he knew, assumed that Hiroki wouldn't want it and accepted it as a fact that he would never have his own children. Hiroki might as well have outright denied him any children.

Hiroki felt like crying. He really could have. He had been wasting all these year they shared, all these years that he could have talked to Nowaki and asked him what he wanted instead of standing here at the age of forty only just finding out that his partner wants. True that they did not talk about each other's wishes often but Hiroki could have taken the effort to talk to him. Ask him what he wanted and ask him about something like this ten years ago not know of all the times. Not know that he had only twenty years left of his youth!

This house, oh dear god this house. They had brought it together seven years ago and with its three bedrooms, a garden and a porch. Why, it was the perfect fit house for any average couple to have a family with. It was a family house. But instead of asking the first thing Hiroki insisted was to make a study room for one of the bedroom and the other a guest room, without even asking Nowaki what he thought of it. Those rooms could have obviously been children's bedrooms for any other couple.

He was still shirtless and he looked at himself and all he saw was an unattractive wrinkled man who ignored his partner's wishes and took him for granted.

Hiroki had never felt more disgusted with himself and tried his best to pull himself together when Nowaki called him from the kitchen.

Hiroki felt trapped in his thoughts. Trapped with the guilt of neglecting Nowaki's needs and his self doubts that he opted to deal with it by having a drink, maybe two.

He didn't feel well at all as he opened the cupboard on top of the microwave to retrieve a bottle of wine that was stored there and sat at the table with a glass full it. When he brought it to his lips was when he heard the front door open and close. He frowned a little and arched his head forward to see if he could see who it was past the kitchen door. He needed bothered as Nowaki came in a second later.

"Hiro-san has you...?" he trailed off when he saw Hiroki's face and the glass filled to the brim. "Hiro-san are you alright?"

"absolutely .just having a drink." he replied grimly picking up his glass again and spilled it a little as he brought it to his lip on the table cloth, he drowned the lot of it in one go and ended up with a coughing fit.

"At two in the afternoon? No you're not okay." he came over and patted him lightly on the back. "If you were you wouldn't be getting yourself drunk two days in a row. That's not like you Hiro-san."

Hiroki choose to ignore him. It didn't help that Nowaki had pulled out a chair beside him.

"Tell me what happed. Please."

"Nothing Nowaki I'm just not feeling well. Now off with you to work"

"You've been acting dodgy this weekend. Is it because of earlier? I told you I don't mind."

"Don't lie to me Nowaki." he felt himself getting angry at Nowaki's preciseness," we both know you adore children and you want them. No point discussing it." Even though really there was a lot to discuses on it.

"Yes, but I also want you and that's far more important to me." Nowaki smiled obviously not taken in by Hiroki's attitude.

"And who said you can't have both?"

"You don't want them."

"Well...Nowaki I don't mind either." He tried to bring his voice to a calm level, "If you had the nerve to speak up maybe you would have had them by now, eh? You're so stupid sometimes." He muttered taken the cowardly way out by blaming it on Nowaki instead. It was silly really seeing as they both knew-at this point-Hiroki's ploys.

"Hiro-san." he used a tone Hiroki rarely heard him use, sort of scolding like. "We don't need children and if you don't want them we won't have any. It's alright."

"Could you stop being benevolent for once in your life and take action! I know you want them and without them you're not happy."

"But Hiro-san I am!" he took both Hiroki's hands in his own gripping it tightly in an urge to make him understand, "I am happy and content with the way my life is, the way our life is and I'm not asking for anything more. Do you understand?"

He shrugged half-heartedly. He felt uncomfortable in his over emotional stat, he wasn't used to it; he was usually very cool and collected. This situation was way above his hands.

"Why are you doing this? You said it yourself. You want them."

"But it would make you uncomfortable. And to be frank you're not very good with them." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

Hiroki glared a little, feeling a little better. "I would make a great father."

"Never said you wouldn't." Nowaki grinned, "So are you're over your little crisis yet?"

"I really am getting to sentimental in my old age."" He laughed a little at himself, maybe a little bitterly.

Nowaki frowned again. "That's not everything, is it? What's upsetting you?"

"Nothing Nowaki. Really. You're going to be late. Get to work."

He sighed and stood up, before taking the bottle of wine off the table and placing it back in the cupboard, ignoring Hiroki's glare all the way through.

He headed over to the fridge and took out a sealed plastic cartoon. "Forgot my lunch." he explained.

Just as Hiroki was turning back to his thoughts and running over Nowaki's words in his head, Nowaki seemed to take a double step back placed his lunch on the table before crouched down in front of Hiroki placing his large hands on Hiroki's knees. Hiroki frowned questionably.

Nowaki didn't say anything for a few moments, simply brushed Hiroki's hair back. Hiroki placed a hand on Nowaki's cheek, still frowning, and Nowaki kissed it.

"You're beautiful you know."

"What?" Hiroki eyebrows rose.

"I said you're beautiful and don't you ever doubt that."

Hiroki blushed right up to his graying roots and shuffled away from Nowaki's hands before voicing his outrage.

"_What_! Just... what? What makes you say I doubt myself!" he yelled.

"You mumble a lot of things when your drunk Hiro-san." He could tell from Nowaki's tone he had a sheepish, apologetic expression on.

Hiroki groaned and wondered if he banged his head on the table enough times he's be let off from this horrifyingly embarrassing moment. Stabbing Nowaki to death would also help.

"Can you just go now!" he yelled, his voice muffled from having his head buried in his arms.

"I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you Hiro-san. But-"

"Embarrassed!" he finial looked up. "Do I look embarrassed? I'm_ furious_!" he hissed.

"The only person your furious at is yourself Hiro-san for letting that stuff slip out." Nowaki reasoned. "And it's okay. I'm glad you let it out otherwise you would have had it going though your head for ages. It's okay to have insecurities."

Hiroki pursed his lips and didn't answer. He didn't even move when Nowaki took his hands, still crouched before him.

"_Hiro-san_ how can you ever doubt yourself like that -no _please _let me finish." He pleaded when he notice Hiroki was about to interrupt and gripped him on the shoulder making it near imposable for Hiroki to run away. "I love you and given that we've been together...what...? _Seventeen years_ should have made it obvious that I'm still so obsessed with you and I'm not taking you for granted. You're the first and only person I've ever loved like this and I _very _much doubt I'd ever find it again. So no amount of anything can make me ever feel any less of you. You're beautiful to me and I'm so sorry if I ever,_ ever _made you feel any less of yourself because I'd kill anyone who ever tried to."

Hiroki laughed a little at that dipped his chin and blinked rapidly to clear his welling eyes.

"And I don't want children. Your happiness is enough for me. _Okay?" _He stressed the last part shaking Hiroki's hands a little.

Hiroki really didn't know what to say to that. "You really are so dramatically cheesy. And not very articulate in your speeches at all." He settled with that for the moment and hoped the smile crinkling his eyes was enough for Nowaki to understand what he was feeling right now.

Nowaki smiled. "Are we okay now?"

"Yes, yes we are." In truth Hiroki didn't feel like they had discussed the issue of children enough and he still didn't know wither Nowaki wanted a baby or maybe an older child would be easier and-

"What is running through that head of yours?" Nowaki asked amused holding his Hiroki's head between his hands gently.

Hiroki shook his head and instead wrapped his arms around Nowaki's shoulder. "I adore you, you know?" he said quietly.

"I know." He gripped Hiroki tighter and kissed him briefly on the lips. Hiroki was grinning-a rare thing really- and closed his mouths as to kiss Nowaki back.

"Okay, know I really have to go." Nowaki said when they parted, holding Hiroki's head and kissed him on the forehead one more time before standing. Hiroki, feeling oddly tender, held Nowaki's hand and kissed it when he stood.

Nowaki grinned at him. "Did I ever tell you that flicker of gray looks mightily attractive?"

"Oh shush." He swatted at Nowaki, who only laughed in return.

"No, really! Like a shred of wisdom!"

Hiroki snorted.

"No? Well a...short circuit...genetic mishap...stress! That's it stress."

Hiroki rolled his eyes before picking up Nowaki's lunch to reheat.

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><p>AN: I usually take constructive criticism real well so if you have any go ahead! You were warned there might be some grammatical errors though!

Reviews very much apprecitaed.


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